06 May 2009

Copenhagenize Injury Alert!

A reader here in Denmark sent me this clipping from a newspaper. Please, sit down before you keep reading. It's shocking stuff.

It turns out the that the American Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report [try putting THAT publication under 'employer' on your dating website profile and see how many emails you DON'T get...] has analyzed a report that shows pet cats and dogs are to blame for a whoppingly shocking 87,000 fall injuries each year in America alone.

87,000 people have shown up at emergency rooms in the course of one year around the country because they tripped over their cat or dog or the dog pulled them on the leash.

87,000. Eighty-seven thousand. And another 87,000 next year. And the year after. And on and on unless we do something.

Where, in the name of Odin, are the safety freaks on this important issue?! Where are the helmet and safety gear manufacturers?! There are people out there to be bullied! There is safety gear to be sold! Millions to be made!

I want action. Let's mobilize! Here's what we do...

We don safety gear - helmets, wrist/elbow/knee protection and we walk up to strangers on the street with a dog and accost them rudely, telling them that they're stupid for not wearing appropriate saftey equipment.

We sneer at them saying that we're not going to pay for them when they're hospitalised. We'll lobby insurance companies to raise the premium for pet owners and to refuse payouts for injured pet owners who weren't wearing safety gear when they fell.

Cat owners require more intense action since they rarely walk their cats outdoors. Bastards. They think we don't see them but we do. We'll have to go door-to-door. If they don't open for you, climb through a window. We have self-righteousness on our side and we know what's best for everyone else.

We'll get the police involved, too. They can stand on the street and hug pet owners and hand out helmets and safety gear. Or they can tackle unprotected pet owners on the street, pepper spray them and arrest them. That'll teach 'em.

After a period of intense bullying feebly disguised as promotion we can lobby our politicians and push for mandatory helmet and safety gear laws for pet owners of all ages. Even if you don't have a pet, there's probably one near one just waiting for the opportunity to strike you down in your prime so support your LSES [local safety equipment shop] and get protection now, before it's too late.

And these 87,000 people are only in America. Think how many people are out there owning pets around the world. Living happily in ignorance and not even caring that we are trying to help them.

This madness has got to stop. Who's with me!? I SAID... WHO'S WITH ME!!??